Wow... Xanga...

Wow...how long has it been since I was here..? Why haven't I been by here again..?

Ooooh... right. Xanga made all those changes on me and it's driving me crazy. Right, right... I was trying to block that out. Be all zen-like about it. But yeah... it still annoys the bejesus outta me. That's right, bejesus; it's that bad. I know... whoa. Quizilla did the same thing to me... what's the deal, sites? Why do you hate me so..? I'm old fashioned; I don't need this stuff you whippersnappers! I'm almost 20; tick me off and I'll sweeper kick you with mah CANE!

So... school's been school. I'm trying to regain my philosophy on life, the universe, and everything, but it's a bit harder then it looks. I feel like I've gotten way too serious and run down in way too short of a time... it's a darn shame. I realized this for no apparent reason this week, and I've decided I'm going to focus on going back to how I was before I got to be this stressed, tired creature that I am today. Kuri's going to get her groove back... fo' sho'. i'm going to start listening to music; I'm going to start dancing again. I'm going to stop being terrified of guys, but at the same time I'm going to stop making love and romance something to worry about in the first place. My mom prayed for the guy she said was destined for me till the day she died; why should I be so disrespectful as to doubt her faith? There are scary things and people in the world, sure... but they don't all have to fill my head. I don't have to spend my every waking moment worrying about how to fix everything that goes wrong in my life. That's not my job... and its about time I remembered that. Remembered and made an active effort to let go of everything that troubles me. Because if I don't, it'll end up breaking me.

....well, that was angsty. Wasn't meant to be, but it was. Oh well... I suppose I'm just special that way. At least... that's what I'll tell people. XD

So I'm having a Milky Way bar for dinner. It's healthy, honest.

Hmmm... what else is there to say..? Oh, I know!

Anyone else as tired of Twilight/the Joker as I am..? Or maybe I'm just tired of the fan girls/the fan girl's paraphanalia... either way, I'm tired of hearing of them. Yeah, sure, they're awesome... but they're not THAT awesome. God people... expand your litary horizons a little.

i must be in a ranting sort of mood... HAHAHAHA! It's the chocolate; I can tell.

And that's all I have to say about that. XD FORREST GUMP IS MAH HERO!

Ok, I'm out. PEACE!

Currently Listening Comatose By Skillet Comatose see related

I'm back...

....and I absolutly HATE the new Xanga settings. Sorry, Xanga, I love you to death... but this new thing you're trying to force me into conforming to is just annoying the crap outta me. I'm an old fashioned kinda girl... allow me to access my high speed internet blog in peace..!

So... long time no chat, everyone..! Goodness, I haven't been by here in forever... which is sad, because I honestly think I need the writing therapy, haha. Plus I really miss all of you awesome people that I've met over the years... I'm falling behind on all of your lives, and it makes me sad..!

Oh goodness... where to begin? Wow... I look back at my last entry, and so much has changed. My mom's gone, and I'm slowly coming to understand how much I've trained myself to look after her. And now she's not here to be cared for... so I'm not exactly sure how to handle myself as a normal teen, haha. ^.^; It's odd... I look at it, and it kinda makes me laugh. I guess I've had to do a lot of growing up over the last few years, but I feel like I missed a few steps on the way. ^.^; It's a bit sad, I guess...

Oh well. As usual, I'm not really paying much attention to classes... they're all easy, just like high school, actually. I don't particularly care about anything academic yet, except Crim... and even that is held in mild regard of late. There's just been too much on my mind... and since I still have almost all A's, I haven't been properly motivated to change my evil ways yet. Ah well, such is life, I suppose.

Oh... I do have something to report that is funny if you're into irony. @____@; You might or might not remember the guy I mentioned in my last entry... the one in which I declared that I was in no shape to endure a relationship..? Well, I thought, prayed, and talked my way to that conclusion, and I was very Zen about it. Only now that I've said it, this particular guy is everywhere. I mean... he's kinda shy, so I don't see him as often as I'd like to. But when I DO see him, it's when I'm having a really bad, emotional day... he always manages to sneak up on me from nowhere and say the sweetest things that instantly makes me feel better. You know... just enough to keep me thinking about him occasionally. Which is bad enough... before Garrett stepped in. I have to say Garrett is one of my closest guy friends, and me and my friend Nancy spend about 70% of our time hanging out in his room. It's become a tradition of sorts. So Garrett is getting a new roommate next year, and guess who it is going to be..? That's right, the very guy I really like and have been trying to get over because I don't think I'm anywhere near ready for a relationship. It's almost cruel irony... I'm already kinda freaked about it! @_@ I mean... I can't spend as much of my time as I do in the guy I like's room..! And of course, everyone else thinks its perfect, since they know I like him and claim to know that he's interested in me. Gah, I sense much drama in the semester to come... I don't know what to do about that. I suppose I'll just have to deal with it... o.o How daunting.

Ok, enough about that. Let's see... I've signed up for my room next year. ^.^ I'm going to be rooming with Nancy... which is going to be interesting, seeing as we're staying in the AOPie sorority house. *sweat drop* I'm going to be the only independent in a group of Greeks... I'm so making a documentary! XD Anyway, I'm looking forward to that... it should be interesting, if nothing else.

Ok... well, I'm tired. *sweat drop* So the entry will stop here... i'll try to get by here more then once a semester, ne? XD Laterness..!

Rawr..?

She liiiiiiiiives! *all gasp in awe*

Yes, I know... I am astounded as well. I hardly ever get by here anymore, do I? Tisk tisk... writing is my good-fo'-foo's therapy. One would think that I would keep up with it... I just haven't been. Too lazy/busy, I suppose... eh, excuses later. You're all in good health, I hope! I like finding people in good health... it makes me smile and remind myself why I appreciate life. Breathing's just good, you know?

Er... when did I post last? O.o Beats me... but awww, I love this layout. Roxas in all of his golden glowy goodness. Bask in him, I command you! ^.^ *basks happily*

Well, off for Christmas break I am! And glad for it! Man, time is just flying by... it's kinda nice, kinda not. I teeter between being hecka busy and insanely bored, depending on my mood at the moment. And I'm still as restless as ever... but oh well. Let's see... I'm back in my room, and it's srange becuase it really doesn't feel much like home here anymore. And I'm actually ok with that. ^.^

I'm under the impression that my last entry was a tab bit emo... as my entries tend to be. *shrugs* Oh well... I've come to hate that introspection crap. It's annoying. The point is this: I've really been having a great time at college. My first semester taught me a lot about myself and introduced me to two great friends, Garrett and Nancy. I really enjoy knowing them, breaking up playfights, and hanging out in the guy's dorm until one in the morning doing stupid stuff like playing hall tennis or wrapping a waist high Christmas tree in 75 feet of lights. You know, constructive college stuff. and even though I still find myself feeling bored or out of place, I'm starting to just ignore those feelings. I think I'll always have a bit of a feeling of detachment; it's in my nature. Oh well... I'm far too lazy to worry about it.

I've kinda adapted that ideal in regards to romance too. I really liked this guy, but I've put a lot of thought into it... and I'm not sure if I'll ever date. Though the idea repulese my dominate childish nature, some part of me would like to get married and have my son one day... which hey, may happen to heck with what I want right now. But since I'm really unable to picture myself in any long lasting relationship, I'm not too concerned. Sure, I know it's kinda a lonely ideal to take on, but it kinda suits me... I'm way too lazy to get involved with anyone. XD Maybe there's a guy out there for me somewhere, but until I stumble upon him as is my nature, I'm not going to worry about it. Seems like a much less stressful way to go about living life; don't you agree?

So, besides having out with my awesomly crazy friends, I have been working... some. Finals have come and gone... I kinda sorta think I passed them all. I mean, for some reason, the closer I get to exam time the less motivated I am to do anyting constructive to help me prepare. Oh well... such is life. The only ones I'm actually worried about are Math and Bio... I was left with a very doom-ish feeling after I completed those exams. Hopefully I didn't fail either of them; methinks my grade overall would not survive the blow. ^.^;;;;

Eh, nervous feelings about that aside... I already know my classes for next term! I'm pretty excited, even if I do have to start every single day at 8 in the morning. *dies* Let's see... I'm taking Western Lit, History, Sociology 101, Intro to Crim (YAY!), Elem. Stats *sob*, and some PE course. All togehter it's going to round out to 16 hours... eek. I'm also planning to get healthy this next semester (seriously this time..!) and actually use the gym and stuff. Seriously.

*yawn* Well, I be bored again. I can't wait for Christmas; I'm staying home and looking after my mom during the days, so any form of distraction is well appreciated. She's ok... moving at about 12 degrees below normal, which is tiring, but hey, she's improving I guess. OH well... I just hope we can all enjoy Christmas. ^.^

And now, to continue the tradition, a lovely picture.

XD Yay! ^______________^

Ok, after that much merriment, I have to go find something more constructive to do. *nodnod* Adios!

*yawn*

Wow... it's been 1211 days since I first came here to Xanga land... how many years is that..? *attempts to compute, head explodes, gives up*

FWAAH! I haven't been here in such a long time..! I've been busy... well, not so much as busy as in things have filled my time to the extent that I couldn't possibly tear myself away from my busy schedule to come by and journal. I've had lots of free time... more then I need, probbably. I'll be getting used to it soon, and then be absolutly disagreable when the time comes for me to fill my time more effecitnely rolls around. But that's not the point.

I guess when i say 'I've been busy', what I really mean is that I've had a lot on my mind recently. Just... a lot to think about. And I've just been... tired. Really, really tired; both physically and emotionally. I've come to a lot of realizations about myself that I knew before, but was able to avoid thinking about my telling mysef 'You're still just a kid... you don't have to make adult decisions yet'. But I wasn't a kid, and I'm not now.

I haven't been sleeping well for years... since I left IB, I guess. I kept telling myself it was just because I wasn't tired, or was hyper, or that there were just too many things out there to be wasting my time with sleep. Now I'm being hounded all of the time to go onto pills that I don't think I need... and I have to tell creative half truths about my health. It's so stupid, the things I'll do... just because I'm scared. My dreams have turned strange... even more bloody and violent then usual. They make me feel restless, and I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about my dream friend anymore... something's changed. I used to look forward to my dreams, excited by the storries my subconscious would write for my entertainment. Now... now something about them troubles me... and I know when it started. I dreamed that I should take yellow roses to a dead person... I even saw where to take them. But I didn't... and ever sense, I've been strange. Damnable uneasiness... guilt, maybe? I don't know; I haven't mused that far yet.

So I'm tired all the time... and restless, insanely restless. When I'm alone in my room I want to be out walking, when I'm with people I want to be alone, when I'm home I wish I was at school, when I'm at school I wish I was somewhere, anywhere else. And it's not all the time I'll feel this way... just randomly, I space out and just want to be gone. I've done it my whole life, but I'm only now learning exactly to what point I am willing to follow my urges. My impulses, were I to follow them, would take me away from family, friends, familiar places I love... and I wouldn't look back. I feel so awful for saying that... but it's true. Even my closest friend are easy for me to leave behind... I can pick it up again when I come back, but as for the closeness you're supposed to share with people... I seem to be able (and sometimes more then willing...) to sever that tie and start all over again. I wonder how many people I've hurt by being this way... hurt without any idea that I was causing anyone pain.

I've discovered an odd sort of duality to everything that is me. There's a weirdness, a distance. It's like I'd happily skip off to new things, but feel nothing for it. I don't feel much... but when I do, I instantly wonder if it's a good thing, or if I should make myself as unapproachable as possible to avoid something... something that I can't put words too, no matter how eloquently honest I am feeling at the moment. Someone like that has come into my life... and I don't know him very well, but as I talk to him I have this 'It's not too late...' sensation. I don't know if the right thing to do is to continue to be his friend, or if it would be smarter for everyone involved if I just left..? How involved in any particular person's life do I want to be if I know, upon a moment's notice, that I could be gone..? At the moment, I'm at that crossroads, hoping against hope tha my intuition is entirely wrong and that I won't bond with anyone in particular while here at college.

Ah yes... more big news: I've finally tripped off to college. Fun, fun... I like having my own dorm, my own small scale sense of freedom. I don't have a room mate, which is a plus... I think I'd go crazy for real if I did. X.X I can't wait until there is a meteor shower, though... I have a big beautiful window that has a nice ledge you can sit in. There's a tree obscuring the view of most of the ground below... but I have a lovely view of the sky. So I can't wait to view something spectacular.

Gah... all of this introspection crap is getting on my nerves. If I'm not careful, I'll end up trapped in my own head again, jjust like last time. Ewwww... no fun, no fun! XP Tehe... thankfully, for every bout of oddness I experience, I have an equally odd but much more entertaining burst of childishness waiting to take over when I get out of my emo corner.

I'm not exactly sure who I am yet... and I'm 90% sure that if I left right now and started walking, whenever I drifted back into town I would still have no idea. And it doesn't really bother me, though I've probably made it sound like it has. I feel kind of at peace with myself... it's only when I think about others that it bothers me. When I think about others and when I think about my dreams.

Maybe someday, I'll want to change..? Is something like that possible..? I don't know... I hope it is and I hope it isn't.

I'm so damn contradictory... it's boarderline obnoxious. ^.^

BUT! ON to more important things... as aforementioned, I am a college kid now. I'm majoring in Criminology, no I will not post where I am attending for the general public to see, yes I was forced into having a Facebook, yes I have been wasting my life away on Quizilla, and yes, I still procrastinate, a curse I believe I'll sport until the day I die. Fwee.

Oh well... such is life. XD

More importantly then any of this crap... my mom is finally free of her brain tumor... we think. Of course, they said he exact same thing the first time, but I'm hoping this time they meant it. She's been through a lot, my mom... and she's a good person, a lot better of a person then I'll ever manage to be. She doesn't deserve to suffer like that... I'm glad it's over so she can begin to reclaim some kind of normal life.

Hmmm... I need something funny.

Ahhhhh.... perfect! XD

Peace!

O.M.G. I'm like, alive...!

 <~ Makes very little sense, but funny all the same. ^^

HOWZIIIIIIIIT?!??!??

. . .

Nope, i have not been shot for my mad gangstaness yet. Isn't it great? All the homies in the hood are scared of me, you know? Because I'm just so gangsta that I... like... slap the gangsta outta them. *silence* Yeah... it's just like that. Crazy intimidating. Like WHOA.

*White and Nerdy plays in the distance*

Dude..! I want my first car to be an ice cream truck. I mean... few vehicles get as much respect as ice cream trucks. I mean... doesn't matter how expensive or high tech or even shiny your car is; most people won't look at it more then 4 or 5 times. But an ice cream truck... not that's crazy cool. An ice cream truck completely captures the attention of everyone within a 7 block radius. And I mean completely. People look up from their work, kids stop beating each other up... now that's power.

. . .

So yeah... I haven't been by here in forever, and when I do drop by I begin by babbling on about ice cream trucks. Things never really change, do they?

NOT TRUE! For the home of Silverdemonsbane has changed to a snazzy new layout! It's Roxas in all of his predesigned goodness... I wuv Roxas very much. Haha... this is such a guy's layout. XD But who cares, it's ROXASY! LET'S MAKE HIM CHIBI!

Aww... he's so adorable! I want my own little ant-like Heartless to hug and love and squeeze until his head pops off. That would be fun! GAH! I want KH plushies! *ish too lazy to make them herself*

Awww... my mom went to get her MRI done, and within hours they're ordering her in for another surgery. She has to go in to get blood work done tomorrow, and then Tuesday she'll be in the hospital for the third open surgery. I'm not happy about it... I haven't been happy about it since the beginning. But nobody listens to me, so I just kinda laze back and let things flow as they're supposed to. I don't tell anyone what i think... I'll hate myself when I'm right. >_< Ah... enough with being cryptic. It shall pass. ^_^

Well! I'm graduated! Woot wootith! I'm OLD. O_< I got a laptop, fwee! His name is COMPkun, and he is my special friend. I haven't used him much yet... just... because. But there are these fun games on there... in one of them, the entirity of the game is spent shooting adorable little penguins out of cannons! It's great fun, they make adorable little squeaking noises when they hit a solid surface. ^____^ Darn nifty, I tell you.

So! I've basically been spending my days sitting around doing... nothing. ^_^ Went to see Knocked Up with my amigos last weekend... I almost cried. I didn't know until we were in line that it was about a 'woman with child'... and I didn't know until it started happening that they were going to be cruel enough to actually show the thing being born! I almost broke down into tears I was so freaked out.. I was sick to my stomach. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew..! LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!!!

I've been spending most of my time on Quizilla... sorry I haven't been by to rant here to the air. ^_^ But i've almost finished one of my series, and I'm all excited! ^____^

Oooh... I ran out of face wash, and so I rooted around and found this Proactive kit from God knows when and decided to use that instead. What's the harm, right? Well, it kinda makes my face all tight and flakey and if I don't go through every stinkin process my face itches and gets all bumpy which is essentially a sign of the harsh chemicals eating away at the skin of my face. So I try stopping it and then my face itches anyway so I use the lotion which starts the whole process over again. Kinda stupid, if you ask me... a vicious, vicious cycle. X____X

Ok, smarties...! I posted this last entry, but it was too small to see... sowwie! X_X Anyway, I suck at these things, and since I've seen this it's driving me crazy. If you figure it out, let me know..! X_____X

Oh my gosh, I just got it....

X________________________________X

Poor Axel... that's even worse then Xemnas. ^_^;

Okies, done I am. LATAH!